I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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