Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
