you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Randomize
