So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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