So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
