i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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