Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
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