I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
