well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
