How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I came so hard my ears popped.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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