i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
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