saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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