My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
