new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Randomize
