Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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