Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I am available for nakedness
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
