Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize