This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
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He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
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I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize