omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
