There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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