No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Randomize
