Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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