I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
