Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
