I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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