whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
