I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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