When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
