Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize