I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize