How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
