I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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