We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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