the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
