Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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