Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
