Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Randomize
