my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
