Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
