the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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