I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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