fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
We need to rekindle our bromance
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
