There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
