the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Randomize
