are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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