I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
