You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
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I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
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Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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