She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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