No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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