One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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