my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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