Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Randomize
