I just threw up on my dentist
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
