I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Randomize
