Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
