she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
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